I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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