at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
