to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
