we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
