i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
