Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
