plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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