Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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