Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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