I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
