the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
