she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
