Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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