The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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