Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
