I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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