i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
