So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
