I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
