The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
