from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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