you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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