Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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