If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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