My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
