; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
