I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
