I cockslap morals
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
