She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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