Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
