Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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