i already hear my dad disowning me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have aggressive nipples.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
