I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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