Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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