party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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