I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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