i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
