I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
