woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
