I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
