Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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