So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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