I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
