she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
