I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
