dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
