No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
