My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
