i don't plan on having that self control this summer
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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