he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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