Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
