I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
